Lately it seems as if the whole world is out of focus. I want to blame much of it on my depression, but I know that some of it has to do with the decisions I have to make regarding moving forward with my teaching career. That in itself did not help with the depression. I can look around at my house and environment and see that my depression has taken a tight grip of my reality.
Depression is nothing new to me. I have struggled with depression since I was a child, and I’m well aware of the battle that often rages in the minds of those who are afflicted. Lately, mental illness has suddenly been thrust into the spotlight. Television shows, such as Shining Vale, portray a dark side of mental illness and the generational curse of family affliction. Mental illness if often something that seems hereditary, although I often wonder if it is also something taught.
Then there is the Naomi Judd death that spotlights what it is like to battle the voices inside. Her daughter, Ashley, compared it to her “brain hurt.” It does feel that way at times. You are having to constantly tell yourself that the voices are lying to you. You have to constantly refute the dialogue that is playing inside your head. It’s a difficult task.
In 2013, I compiled my journal entries into a book that spoke about my battle with depression and surviving my own suicide attempt. The book, Slither of Light, was one of the hardest things for me to publish because I had to open up to the world and reveal my darkest secrets. Too often, depression and mental illness is seen as that: a dirty little secret.
When you suffer from a mental illness, you are taught to hide it from the world. You don’t discuss it. You ignore it. You are told that people may see you has defective, faulty, and somehow less than who you really are because of it. The truth is that you really are no less. You are stronger. The real conversation that needs to be had is how do you support those who have it?
I personally know that when I become overwhelmed, I need a break. I need quiet time to regain myself. A time when it is okay not to be pushed to DO, and time to refill what I have emptied of myself by giving so much of myself to others. I have often hypothesized if those who have depression are Empaths. As a teacher, my students drain me because I take on all of those burdens that they seem to carry. Even my personal relationships that I have I try to help to the point that I am drained emotionally, spiritually, and physically. When that happens, my depression seems to peak.
Either way, when I begin to struggle, I have to put everything back into focus. This weekend is one of those focus weekends. My goal is to chip away at some of the chaos and get back to those things that make me happy. I want to try to clear some of the clutter so that I can see more clearly what is going on around me, and I mean that literally and figuratively. I have ignored so much due to my depression, and now, I need to start gathering up the mess and organizing it. I know that I can’t just try to do it all at one time, because then I will be more depressed. Instead, small chunks. Small tasks. Small areas. Kind of like when I would make my bed back in 2012. Small things. Eventually, what is out of focus will come back into focus, and I will begin to see much more clearly then.
